Dramatis Personae
Declan: A man in his early thirties
Lin: A person in their thirties (can be played by any gender).
Bollard: A man in his late fifties
Naomi: A woman in her twenties
Mansi: A woman in her early forties
Jerry: An aphonic person in their thirties (can be played by any gender).
Act 1
Scene 1
(The Lounge)
Bollard: I never did that, never did. Thought never crossed my mind. Never at all. You might wonder why. You might be curious. But it’s very simple. There’s no mystery. I’m just not built that way. I don’t “have it in me” as they say. It’s not part of my character. Never was and never will be. I couldn’t if I tried.
Declan: I’ll bet you could… If you tried.
Bollard: Nonsense.
Declan: Probably wouldn’t have to try very hard either.
Bollard: You don’t know what you’re saying. You don’t know who I am. You don’t…
Declan: I know who you are.
Bollard: He doesn’t, you know. He’s not worth addressing… He’s nothing but a saboteur, you see. He has no character at all of his own. His only compensation is to destroy, to wreck, to bring down. It gives him pleasure
Declan: There’s nowhere to bring you down to.
Bollard: His… Wherever he… But you don’t argue, you see. You never argue. Character speaks for itself.
Declan: Does it then? And what does it say? What does it say when the character…? Do you want to hear about this character? Well, I’m going to tell you…
Bollard: Nonsense.
Declan. …Whether you want to hear it or not. Because it’s like he said, and on this one point we find ourselves in agreement. It’s just like he said; it speaks for itself. Through actions. Actions speak louder than words, don’t they? Than a load of bollocks dressed up in words. You can dress up anything in words. Look at Hitler. Look at Mussolini. Those were the experts. And we have them now today, believe you me. Nothing has changed. Nothing at all. Sure, any amount of absolute bollocks can be dressed up in words and made to look good for… the people… the uneducated… those who aren’t listening… and who listens these days? Are you listening? How often do you listen? How often do you walk alone in silence listening. Like I do. And I do. I listen to people. I’m a good listener. And that’s why I know things. And if there’s one thing people don’t like you to know about them, it’s things. They don’t like you to listen and they don’t like you to see. Take him. Look at him. Character. He thinks all it takes is a few fancy words, a confident level of expression. Much practiced no doubt. An aura of indelible confidence. Is it fading yet? Your aura?
Bollard: Utter drivel. Pah.
Declan: It will do. But let’s help it along. There’s so much to… Where should I start? How about formative development? Do you know how Mr. Character here spent a large part of his weekends as a young man?
Bollard: Now wait a….
Declan: A large part of his weekends, usually the later part, the dark part, in certain establishments, very discreet, very discreet certain establishments where women of a young age massage your body in ways that, by the time you, he…
Bollard: (Continues to protest).
Declan: …got to the end of it, are unambiguously and unarguably illegal in this country, and always have been. And that’s just the start of it…
Naomi: Stop it. Just stop! It’s insufferable. Impossible. Lamentable. Not everything has to be said. Can’t anything be left unsaid?
Mansi: We should change the subject.
Naomi: Yes.
Declan. I’ve said my piece. I’ll happily move on to greener pastures, rollier hills, sunsets and daffodils…
Bollard: Pah…
Mansi: We do have work to do. We all know cooperating would make it easier. That requires planning, investment, energy. Let’s put our money where our mouths are. We all have the same goal.
Naomi: Yes, absolutely. You’re making perfect sense. The same exact goal.
Declan. …Violets, lilies, cuddly puppies drooling over fingers…
Mansi: So, let’s let bygones be bygones.
Naomi: Start afresh.
Declan. Ice cream, candy, taut and toned bodies glistening on the beach. Creamed up. Glistening in the sunlight. Ice cream dripping down…
Naomi: (Hits Declan).
Declan. (Stops. Glares).
Mansi: Eye on the ball is all I’m saying.
Bollard: You do have a point. I’ve always had my eye on the ball. You can’t…
Declan. There he goes…
Naomi: Shush.
Bollard: …Without a clear goal, which we do have if only we don’t make it unclear by obscuring it. Well, I’ve always held cooperation to be… After all, we’re not animals. Why rip each other apart? We all lose. Even you (points to Declan). Yes, you. This is for you too. You stand to gain as much as anyone.
Declan. Do I?
Bollard: You know you do. Say what you want about me. And you will, of course, you will. But you can’t deny that. The goal, the opportunity. What lies at the end of the path if the path is followed well. Not deviated from. Do you see that picture on the wall? (Points to large painting).
Declan: I’ve seen it a million times.
Bollard: Look closely. That picture. I bought that picture thirty years ago. I’ve been here since then. You haven’t. That’s where some of the misunderstandings… And well, of course, I’m not faultless myself. Grant you, I have made mistakes. But some of the issues… If you had followed that picture day by day as I have over the past thirty years, watched its changes, the minute changes— small acorns into great oaks grow—absolutely minute, but over time, over time, well. Unrecognizable. What is it a picture of? What? What do you say, Naomi?
Naomi: A jungle, I’d say, a massive tangle of trees, of leaves. There could be eyes in there. I’ve never looked closely enough. The Amazon… Africa… Papua New Guinea!
Declan. There be cannibals…
Mansi: We all have the same goal.
Declan. To go our separate ways.
Mansi: A rational approach.
Declan. Before we eat each other. (Makes cannibal eating noises).
Lin: (Enters) I say we stay together.
(All turn to look at her)
Bollard: It seems impossible. But so does….
Lin: It’s more fun that way.
Declan: Nobody asked you.
Lin. None of you could survive alone. You’re germs, bacteria. You’d be immediately disinfected.
Declan. Been cleaning the toilet, have we?
Mansi: You’re distracting from a growing consensus.
Lin: Oh, I should be quiet then. (To Bollard) Tell us about the jungle, granddad.
Declan: Yes, do tell us granddad.
Bollard. *Ahem*. Yes, well, of course. I have nothing to hide. Absolutely nothing. I was merely giving Naomi a chance to speak. To give her interpretation. But of course, I’ll tell you. And you were all there. We all were, all of us. Those were different. Oh, different times… (Begins to ramble on).
Declan. Bunch of bollocks. (Closes eyes to sleep.)
Lin: (Prances around the room rearranging things, dusting etc.).
Naomi: (After a time) They’re not listening.
Mansi: He does drone on.
Naomi: Are you listening?
Mansi: Of course… (Then resignedly) No.
Naomi: But it might help.
Mansi: You can tell me later.
Naomi: I think I missed… Some.
Mansi: You haven’t been listening.
Naomi: You’re right. Well, maybe he can tell us later… If he remembers.
Mansi: (Looks at Bollard who’s finishing up).
Bollard: …And that, in, well, in a rather roundabout way, explains everything up to this point, you see.
Lin: Right. (Sarcastically) Thanks. Well, I came in for a reason, actually. I just remembered why I came in.
Naomi: Why?
Lin. This place will be demolished in two days. Forty eight hours to be exact.
(Consternation. Declan awakes.)
Declan: What?
Lin: So, I suppose we will have to… do something after all.
Mansi: (Fearfully) You can’t be serious.
Lin: Yes, I knew there was a reason. So, really, you’re on the right track. And I’ll let you take care of it. I’m sure Bollard’s speech clarified everything, and you’ll come up with a plan whereby we can survive outside, individually, on our own, all of us separately, without in any way disintegrating, dying, dismembering, discombobulating, or in any way losing our heads or faculties… In any way at all such that that way would be similar to the alternative of not doing so. We’ll have to now, as by lieu of the contract and legal representations already having been made and all appeals exhausted and the court order and the whole long exhausting process, which frankly has been long and exhausting, and so on ad infinitum. The point being that the infinite series despite that sums up to one, one house destruction that is, as has been agreed eventually and accepted fully through the proper channels, regulatory bodies, and all documents of defence notwithstanding, which have in any case been rejected. Finally. Ultimately. We have two days. That’s irrefutable. I apologize sincerely on behalf of our legal counsel, i.e. me, for not informing you in advance of, or during, or even directly after, as, in actual fact, I did have some disinfecting to do. And frankly the way you leave the toilet… Although soon I suppose it won’t matter. Though I really do wish you would clean up properly after yourselves.
Mansi: So, what you’re saying is…
Declan: We’re doomed. That’s all. Accept it.
Naomi: It can’t be… There must be…
Bollard: Now, now. Let’s not panic. Keep our wits about us. Heads down. Tails up. As I was just saying… About the… About the, eh… (To Mansi) What was I saying?
Mansi: And who? Who is going to destroy the house?
Lin. A third party.
Naomi: A third…
Bollard: Outrageous. That’s the way it is these days.
Scurrilous.
Mansi: Can’t we talk to them? Negotiate?
Lin. All communication channels have been cut. That was in the contract. A last gasp measure on their part.
When we rejected all compromise.
Mansi: We rejected…
Lin. Through our legal representative, yes. Look, the details are not important now, are they? You won’t be saved by details. Stop whining. All the whining. And I’ll bet one of you has been at the toilet again. I’ll bet… You really should just stay away from it altogether. Pah. (Exits)
Scene 2
The Dining Room
Declan: Is this the last supper then?
Mansi: Of course not.
Lin: That would be tomorrow.
Bollard: Yes, tomorrow.
Naomi: Unless there’s a reprieve.
Lin: Which there won’t be.
Bollard: Out of the question, apparently.
Mansi: So, we’ll have to learn to get along.
Declan: For a day.
Bollard: At the very least. Inevitably.
Naomi: Cheer up everyone. Shall we play King of the table?
Declan: The victory would be pyrrhic.
Lin: (Contemptuous look at Naomi) If that’s all you’ve got up your sleeve…
Mansi: Look, let’s break the whole thing down; analyze it… (Takes out notebook. Looks at it while he speaks).
Declan: Pass the chicken.
Mansi: …So the issue is the third party. This third party is intransigent. That’s an issue certainly. A continuance of their intransigence will result in an unacceptable result…
Declan: I’ll have a leg. Would you like some breast, Bollard?
Mansi: …A result unacceptable to all of us. That puts all of us in a very difficult position. There is no doubt about it. That can’t be disputed…
Lin: (To Naomi) Wine!
Mansi: …And so that leaves us where? With all legal avenues exhausted. Where are we now? What choice do we have? Do we just accept things? Allow everything to simply fall down around our heads… ?
Lin: I said, wine!
Naomi: (Annoyed.) I was listening. (Passes wine).
Bollard: Let’s all listen.
Lin: (Sarcastically) Wonderful idea.
Mansi: …No, of course not. She (points to Lin) says all communication channels have been cut. Certainly, it happens in negotiations…
Declan: Gravy anyone? Cream sauce?
Mansi: …When one party, or both parties, or a third party, fails to recognize the benefits of mutual cooperation, affiliation, common interests. This can result in communication channels being cut. In each side retreating to their trenches…
Bollard: The trenches. Yes…
Declan: Parsley? Crouton?
Naomi: Shut up, shut up!
Mansi: …And that raises, of course, the possibility of a no-win scenario. The worst of all scenarios. Shooting each other in the foot. A circular firing squad. Is that what anyone wants? Really? On reflection? Of course not. In the end cooler heads will always prevail. They must. The alternative is too…
Bollard: (Stands up, animated) Absolutely right, Mansi! Absolutely right! Once more unto the breach. We’ll fight them on the beaches! We’ll fight them in the trenches! Wherever we are as long as we have an ounce of honour flowing, boiling, seething through our blood! No, this is not a time for cowards! This is no time for retreat! It’s all or nothing! All, or…
(Mansi tries to settle Bollard down. Then they go back to eating.)
Declan: (Aside to Lin) Can we get out? Just the two of us.
Leave this bunch behind. Isn’t there some back channel?
(Bollard sits down and continues to chatter.)
Lin: Back channel? (Amusedly) And what makes you imagine you’re any different to them? I’ve seen you. In the bathroom. Making a mess. A terrible mess.
Declan: Oh, come on…
Lin: I’ve seen you do all sorts of things. Who’d have you outside? Really. Who’d have you? Who in their right mind? You can’t survive on your own any better than the rest. And I wouldn’t want you any more than I want them.
Declan: Right. Sure. Fantastic. You go it alone. A traitor,
a turncoat, a real Benedict Arnold…
Lin: You are a funny man.
Declan: Judas. That’s what you are. Can’t bring you in on anything. Everyone should know. You can’t be trusted.
Lin. I can be trusted to keep the bathroom clean. (Lights cigarette).
Declan: I never did anything in there. I didn’t do what you said I did.
Lin. So what’s in it for me?
Declan: In what?
Lin. This proposition of yours.
Declan: Well, yes. You’re listening then?
Lin: (Idly blows smoke).
Declan: This lot. This bloody lot. Never mind bathrooms. Forget about bathrooms. That’s only the start of their troubles. I know all about them. Well, you can see for yourself. I’d only be corroborating. Take Naomi. Cries in her sleep. I’ve listened. I’ve heard. Cries and moans and talks. Terrible nightmares. Howls. Never met anyone had so much trouble with their unconscious. Then waltzes in here as if nothing’s wrong. Spreading her positivity or whatever it is. Straight off some horrible dream. Some continuous moaning event in her sleep. Straight out of the depths of the enemy of her own unconscious, she waltzes in with all her… her…
Lin: Positivity.
Declan: And Mansi, Mansi… All her reasonableness and plans and books and libraries and philosophy. Oh, you should hear her talk. She knows it all. I’ve heard her. She talks to herself. Doesn’t think anyone else will understand her. She talks to herself up there in her room; Wittgenstein this, Heidegger that, Kant said this, Hillary effing Putnam said that. It makes me mad. Kripke bloody thought this. Foucault—for fecks sake—you should hear her go on about Foucault. I’ve a good mind to go in there and wrap those effing books around her… Shove them up her… A very good mind… She’s not the only one who’s ever read a book, you know.
Lin: Too. Many. Books. (Mimes writing it down. Blows a smoke ring).
Declan: And I’ve already told you about Bollard. Oh, yeah. He’s the darkest one. A real… No prizes for guessing what he’s been up to in the bathroom. No prizes at all. Eh?… Eh?
Lin: Up to. In the bathroom. (Pause) The smell in there sometimes. Up there… Now. Have you been in there?
Have you just been there?
(Pause)
Declan: You’re as bad as the rest. Just as bad. Worse probably. See where it gets you. Just see.
Naomi: Let’s play King of the table! Please! Come on everyone! The table game today is… poetry. Who wants to go first? I will. I will. (Stands up, clears throat).
There is a woman proud and strong
Her height is short, but her hair is long
Um… She speaks like an angel, sings like a swan
Declan: Sings like a…?
Naomi: Can dance in circles all day long
Now she’s here, but soon she’ll be… be gone Who is she? Anyone? An… y… one?
Lin: (Laughs, puffs on cigarette).
Bollard: Naomi! By God, it’s you, Naomi!
Naomi: Yes, yes (claps delightedly).
Declan: Are we finished yet?
Mansi: Come on now, we’ve just started, so…
Naomi: Yes, shut up, Declan. Bollard, you guessed right, so I nominate you next. Let’s all listen! Listen to Bollard!
Bollard: Oh yes, of course, goodness (clears throat), I’ll improvise… On the spot… on the spot as they say…
Ah, Forward, forward to the valley of death Ride we, ride we, onward all,
…Let me see, let me see, yes…
Forward, bravely into the eyes of the foe
Ride we, onward, all we go
Let us not be dismayed at our fate,
It is worse, worse to delay,
Flash our sabres through the smoke,
Onto the guns, we good folk,
Our glory shall never (voice rising, straining) never fade!
Honour, honour, the charge we make!
Naomi: (Claps enthusiastically) Yay!
Declan: (Sarcastically) Anybody got something a little less morbid?
Bollard: I nominate Mansi.
Mansi: Oh God. I don’t know. Can I sit this one out? Poetry, poetry. On the spot, eh? Let me pass it on first, Lin. Go on, Lin.
Bollard: Lin!
Naomi: (With a football style cheer) Linaa!
Lin: Moi? Vraiment? (Stubs out cigarette) Hmm…
The dirt of the pot I go to clean
Shitstained pot, demeans us all. Who shat and didn’t flush?
Which one of us? Which one of us?
Naomi: Oh, a puzzle like mine!
Declan: Nobody. She’s making it up. (Knows what’s coming).
Lin: (Makes buzzer type noise signaling wrong answer) Eh, ehhhh!
Mansi: (Slightly maliciously) Declan?
Lin: Correct! Yay!
Naomi: Oh, well done, Mansi!
Declan: (Stands up) Bunch of bloody children! Bunch of bloody kids! I’m stuck here with a crowd of idiots. There’s only so much anyone can take. It’s dragging me down. We’ll all be dead in a couple of days, and the best you can do about it is tell silly poems to each other. It’s incredible, preposterous, untenable. It wouldn’t stand anywhere else. Nowhere else would this stand. You’re all nuts, demented, cuckoo, out to lunch…
Mansi: I did try to analyze the situation. Lay out the prognosis. Several probable contingencies with regard to likely exigencies, and my calculations lead me to believe there are a few at least possible remaining…
Declan: And where did that get you? Was anyone listening? Maybe you should write a book and get back to us when we’re all six feet under. I’m sure it will be a great success. A fitting obituary.
Mansi: …Remaining possible options. As yet uncovered. But, certainly, we’re moving from unknown unknowns to known unknowns, and that’s progress in that…
Naomi: (To Declan) Now we know what we don’t know, you see? Whereas before we didn’t even know that. We didn’t know what we didn’t know. If you had been listening earlier…
Bollard: (Enthusiastically) We’ve got them by the tail, Declan. We only need to pull.
Declan: I’ll tell you what you can pull. You lot should listen to yourselves. Make a recording. Somebody record this. (Shouts and looks up) Somebody record this!
Mansi: (Resignedly) Oh, Declan…
Declan: Have your fun. Have your poetry. Keep smiling while you can. I’ve had enough. Up to here (makes sign in front of face). I’m off to bed. (Gets up and walks toward door).
Lin: Declan, please…
Declan: (Harshly) What?
Lin: Please don’t use the bathroom.
Declan: (Gives a black look, walks out, slams the door).
Lin: Oh, dear….I really hope he doesn’t… (Shakes head)
(Pause)
Naomi: Well, over to you, Mansi. Make it a good one!
Lin: (Glumly) I just cleaned it.
Bollard: Yes, over to you, Mansi!
(Sounds of merriment and Mansi beginning awkwardly, and then fade out)
Scene 3
(The Dining Room. Empty. Everyone has left. Plates and some food left on the table).
(Jerry enters).
Jerry: Sits at the dining table (Mansi’s place). Mimes the following: Serves himself. Starts to speak and make notes as Mansi did. Moves to Bollard’s place. Mimes standing up,
(Once more unto the breach, etc.). Then mimes going to Declan’s place and whispering with Lin. Then Naomi (King of the table etc.). The rest of the poems (pace quickening significantly) culminating in Declan’s storming out. Then returns, sits down, happily chatting and eating.
Fade.
Act 2
Scene 1
(The Lounge)
Mansi: (Looks at watch thoughtfully) Twenty-eight hours and counting.
Bollard: Who is?
Mansi: What?
Bollard: Counting.
Declan: They are. I’ll bet they’re counting every second. We should really call them up and tell them to get the whole thing over with. I’m sick of waiting. The waiting’s worse. What could be worse than waiting when you know what’s going to happen? (To Lin) Call them up. Go on. We’ll never make it out on time anyway. Go on. Call them. Let’s get it over with.
Lin: All lines of communication have been cut.
Declan: Well, bloody uncut them! At least one. One will do. I’ll tell them myself. Go on, I’ll tell them. Do your worst. You bastards. You merciless, sick… (Continues to describe them quietly in disparaging terms as others speak).
Mansi: That is our only hope, Lin. At the very least, we need more time.
Naomi: Communication breeds understanding. Everyone has a story to tell. We need to listen to their story and they to ours.
Declan: (Annoyed) Nitwit.
Bollard: Right, now. Settle down. We’ll man the defenses round the clock. Round. The. Clock. Nobody will get through. Don’t you worry. (Comforts Naomi).
Mansi: Lin. How did the third party get in contact?
Lin: Through the attic.
Bollard. The attic, eh? Tricky devils. Should have known.
Lin: I was cleaning it up a few weeks ago. Disinfecting. Someone (looks at Declan who stares back annoyed) had been up there. Making a mess. It was a terrible mess. Bacteria everywhere…
Declan: Get to the point.
Mansi: About the third party.
Bollard: Devils.
Lin: Well, there’s a hole up there. I never noticed it before. But there is. A hole in the wall of the attic. Totally unexpected. Not something I was looking for at all. Very inconvenient in fact. It wasn’t my plan to find anything up there at all. Except bacteria. Certainly not a hole. That was the last thing I expected. But, in the course of disinfecting… In the course of my duties. And someone has to have duties. We can’t all… Anyway, it appeared. Bothersome. I was wondering what to do about it. You can’t disinfect a hole, can you? I was wondering. Looking at it. When an envelope flew through. Flew straight through and onto the floor in front of me.
Naomi: Oh…
Lin: And that was annoying. There’s nothing more annoying than when you’ve just cleaned a spot and someone throws something on it.
Declan: (Annoyed) What did it say?
Lin: (Ignoring him) So, I picked it up. Couldn’t just leave it there, could I?
Naomi: (Pleading) You must tell us what it said!
Bollard: Tell us what the Blackguards said!
Lin: Oh, it was all very boring, very legalistic. “The current situation regarding tenancy is untenable. Adjustments will need to be made to the contract. A further contract will be drafted for your agreement. Our lawyers will be in contact soon…” Blah de blah.
Mansi: What then?
Lin: Well I replied. And they replied. And I replied. And they replied again. As if I didn’t have enough to do. As if I didn’t have enough responsibilities. And their replies got angrier and angrier. And then they said, “This is our last reply”, and “We’ll demolish the whole place in 48 hours”, and so on etc.
Declan: Why didn’t you bloody tell us?
Lin: I did.
Declan: I mean before. Before it was too late.
Lin: I’d just cleaned the place, Sherlock. You think I wanted you, all of you, up there traipsing around, reading letters, messing about with your dirty feet and your…
Declan: Jesus H…
Lin: It wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. It was inevitable. They were determined. That much was clear. They wouldn’t budge.
Bollard: Buggers. Devils.
Mansi: We’ll have to send them another reply.
Lin: Impossible. I tried that. They’ll just throw it back.
Unopened.
Naomi: (Frets) Unopened.
Declan: (Sarcastically) Brilliant. Absolutely fantastic.
Mansi: Did you try anything else… during this whole… thing?
Lin: Yes, actually. I shouted through the hole. I said “Would you mind not throwing the letters on our floor? It’s very messy. If you could just wait until I’m here and hand them through. We can make an appointment.”
Declan: (Puts head in hands).
Mansi: Did they respond?
Lin: Yes, they shouted back. They said, “That wouldn’t be convenient”. Were rather terse about it to be honest. And that became a bone of contention in the negotiations, both verbal and written. It went on for a while. Until they made everything unequivocally clear. Very unequivocal. And then they stopped responding to my verbal attempt to… to my shouting through the hole, altogether. That was when the first line of communication was cut. And then there was the last letter. (Shrugs. Lights a cigarette).
Naomi: We need to find out more about them. What’s their background? What are they really like? What do they want? What are their hopes? Their dreams? What drives them? We can’t just selfishly focus on ourselves.
We can’t just dismiss them like they’re…
Bollard: Blackguards, rotters, insects. Yes, it’s war alright! Got to recognize it when you see it. We’ll fight them to the end! They’ll regret they ever tangled with us.
Mansi: Verbal out. Written out… Our options are limited. Very limited. We…
Declan: If she hadn’t bloody pissed them off!
Mansi: Calm down…
Lin: Hah…
Declan: Signed our death warrant.
Lin: Hah…
Naomi: They have parents too; they have children; they have families; they love their families as much as we do; they feel happiness, sadness, pain…
Declan: Shut up! Shuuut up!
(A knocking).
(Everyone stops).
Bollard: Who is it?
(Someone knocks again).
Bollard: Who…?
Mansi: Come in.
(Jerry enters).
Naomi: (Happily) Oh, Jerry!
Bollard: It’s Jerry. Bravo! Come in, Jerry. Have some tea.
Naomi: (To Mansi) I thought it was…
Mansi: I know… (Comforts her).
Declan: Oh, the dummy.
(Jerry bows and smiles).
Mansi: And what have you been up to today, Jerry?
Jerry: (Makes an “Oh” mime, then points to himself, and then mimes: sleeping; getting up; yawning; eating; jogging; reading a book etc.).
Naomi: (Aside to Mansi) Does he know? Shouldn’t we tell him?
Mansi: (Nods) Jerry. There’s something you should know. Some serious news. That affects all of us…
Jerry: (Listens avidly).
Declan: Oh, get on with it…
Mansi: In, well, just over a day, tomorrow, a third party will… I’m sorry to tell you this… A third party…
Declan: Will wreck this house. Demolish it. With all of us in it if we can’t get out. Causing our imminent annihilation, eradication, extermination, death… And all that jazz.
Jerry: (Looks at Declan. Looks at Mansi).
Mansi: (Nods affirmation).
Jerry: (Does some shock/horror miming. Careens around stage. Is obviously upset on one level, but then there’s a somewhat comedic aspect to his movements also).
Naomi: Oh, don’t worry Jerry. Don’t worry. We’ll find a way. There’s always a way! (Grabs him and comforts him).
Bollard: Chin up, Jerry. Chin up. This is no time for malingering. We need all hands on deck.
Naomi: Yes, Jerry… it’s not… There are options. Either we find a way to get out of here and survive individually… Only there doesn’t seem to be time for that… Or… or we talk to them and convince them to give us more time, or change their mind altogether… Only all lines of communication have been cut… It’s hopeless!
Declan: Oh, pull yourself together.
Lin: Right, well, I’m off to do some disinfecting.
Mansi: Wait, just wait, everyone.
Lin: (Pauses reluctantly).
Mansi: It’s difficult, but not… It’s true there’s really no time to learn how to survive without each other. We could take our chances, of course, but the chances…
Declan: I don’t fancy our chances.
Bollard: Absolutely outnumbered. Millions to one. We’d be slaughtered. It would be suicide. Folly… From a military point of view…
Mansi: Yes, so the only realistic way forward is to re-establish communication with the third party.
Bollard: Forward. Yes, certainly. When the time is right.
Lin: They were unequivocal. No more shouting, no more letters. Very unequivocal. I told you that.
Mansi: What about Jerry?
(Everyone pauses to think.)
Mansi: He doesn’t shout. He doesn’t write. But we communicate with him. Just as well as with anyone here, really. After all this time. After all this practice.
Bollard. By God!
Naomi. Yes, Jerry!
Declan: You want the dummy to save us. Very good.
(Sniggers).
Mansi: If we can get Jerry to make some signs… They haven’t explicitly ruled it out.
Declan: Or in.
Naomi. Or out.
Declan: Or IN!
Naomi: Or OUT!
Jerry: Jumps into the middle of them and raises his hands in a triumphant gesture.
Lin: Well, well.
Bollard: That’s the spirit!
Naomi: (Mocking look at Declan).
Mansi: (Sternly) It’s worth a try.
Scene 2
(The attic)
Lin: OK, everyone take your shoes off. Don’t touch anything. Over here.
(All approach the attic wall in which there is a large circular hole about 1m in diameter through which the blurry outlines of an office can be seen).
Declan: Christ, look at that.
Bollard: Can we go through there?
Mansi: That would be leaving the house, wouldn’t it?
Lin: Go through. Hah!
Declan: Just shut up, Bollard. Leave it to the experts.
Naomi: Come on, Jerry. (Jerry follows warily).
Mansi: Right Jerry. Up here in front of the hole.
Declan: How do we know they’ll be there?
Lin: They’re always there.
Mansi: Right. So, we tell Jerry what to say to them and look out for a response. Ah, someone better write their part down.
Naomi: I will, I will. (Grabs notebook).
(Everyone gathers round).
Mansi: OK, well, here it goes, all. Wave hello, Jerry.
Jerry: (Waves).
(A pause)
Naomi: (Peering through) I don’t see, I don’t…
Mansi: (Taps Jerry) Try again.
Jerry: (Waves heartily).
Naomi: (Excitedly) I see someone. I see someone!
Jerry: (Keeps waving).
Naomi: They waved back!
Bollard: Brilliant. The buggers. We’ve got them by the…
Lin: (Starts to walk around, cleaning).
Declan: (Stares intensely through the hole).
Mansi: Jerry, tell them we want to negotiate more.
Jerry: (Point to himself, then to the others then brings hands together and makes a prayer sign for please).
Naomi: Oh… they’re moving.
Declan: Let me look.
Naomi: They look angry.
(Third party mimes back. Declan interprets.)
Declan: Woman. Angry. Talk, no. (To Naomi) I’ll look and tell you what they say. You just write it down.
Naomi: (Scribbles).
Mansi: We’re very sorry. We won’t… We’ll talk to you from now on. Not her.
(Jerry mimes and the third party respond.)
Declan: Angry. House. Break. Circle… Eh, clock. 24.
Naomi: Oh, no… (Scribbles).
Mansi: We’re so sorry. Please give us more time. (Jerry mimes and the third party respond.)
Declan: Angry. Woman. Very angry. (Under breath)
Bloody hell…
Naomi: (Scribbles).
Mansi: We won’t involve that woman (glances towards Lin) any more. We promise. Please. We’re sorry. If you give us more time, we’ll do whatever you want.
Lin: Hah… (Continues cleaning).
(Jerry mimes and the third party respond.)
Declan: Thinking. Still thinking. No woman?
Naomi: (Scribbles).
Mansi: Yes, we promise. Lin won’t be involved.
(Jerry mimes and the third party respond.)
Declan: Thinking. Still thinking.
Mansi: Can we at least open written communication again please? We’ll be polite. No Lin. Promise.
(Jerry mimes and the third party respond.)
Declan: Thinking. Conferring. Wait.
Naomi: (Scribbles).
Declan: They’ve gone off somewhere…
Bollards: Tricky buggers. We’ve got to keep our eyes open, you know.
Mansi: Shush. Just wait.
(A letter flies through the hole).
Naomi: Oh!
(Declan grabs it).
Declan: (Gives it to Mansi) You read it.
(All gather around in a huddle except Lin, who walks over and disinfects the point on the floor where the letter landed).
Mansi: (Opens and reads out loud).
To whom it may concern:
With regard to your recent request for a re-opening of written correspondence, we hereby inform you of our temporary acquiescence conditional on all agreed conditions such as agreed during our recent conversation. We reserve the right to permanently cancel this arrangement conditional on your agreement with our acceptance of your recognition of our agreement being conditional. All this being for the purpose of further negotiation, and not in any way prejudicing previous agreements such as pertain to our destruction of your abode regardless of occupational state in approximately 24 hours.
Yours sincerely,
A Third Party.
Scene 3
Mansi: Well, here’s the latest one.
Naomi: What does it say. Read it.
Mansi:
Dear Sirs and Madams,
You have asked us to delay, and preferably cancel, our intended demolition project, but have yet to give sufficient reason. We ask that you, each of you, explain the importance of your role in the house and the justification for the continuance of such role with reference to productivity outcomes, leadership skills, imaginative strategies for continuous improvement, and so on etc.
Yours sincerely,
A Third Party.
Declan: Bloody hell.
Lin: Easy. I clean. Continuous. Improvement.
Bollard. I am the head of the house. The patriarch.
Without me…
Mansi: I think they’re looking for a bit more than that.
Naomi: (Worriedly) Oh, I don’t know.
Jerry: (Does a little dance).
Bollard: *Ahem* I came here…
Naomi: (To Mansi) Write it down, write it down…
Mansi: (Writes).
Bollard: … a long time ago. I entered this house… with the best of intentions. I wasn’t always honourable, I admit. I have my sins, I have my demons. I am a man, take me all for… Take me… as I am and no more. And you did take me as I took you. We…
Declan: Jesus…
Naomi: Shush…
Lin: (Points upstairs—wants to go cleaning).
Mansi: (Gestures for her to stay here).
Bollard: …I have always tried to lead from a position of character… Ah, not always. But since I came here. Before that… Before… I remember in the… Well, it was a war you see, and during war… the mind, it becomes. It goes to a different… You are not yourself. We were afraid. Very afraid. And the enemy is the enemy. We came upon one of them, I remember. He was injured. Up against his vehicle. His leg torn to bits. Shrapnel probably. The bone was… And when he saw us. He was so afraid. Petrified. I remember his face. Panicking. We might have been a pack of hounds. He pulled himself up on his good leg. Used his old smashed up rifle as a prop. Tried to hobble off. He hadn’t a hope. Hobbling away like that. We ran after him. We pushed him down. And we were on him. Kicking, punching. I kicked… (Trails off).
Declan: You… kicked?
Bollard: Yes, I did. I did it! I admit it!… And we, we left him there. I don’t know if it… He… There wasn’t a chance really. No matter what. We couldn’t have taken him.
Declan: Didn’t you finish him off?
Bollard: No. No, we… He was. Already…
Declan: (Sarcastically) Very nice.
Naomi: Oh, my…
Bollard: But then you understand. You go through it and you understand. I’ve seen him many times. After that. In others. I’ve seen his face. You can be sure of that. He hasn’t left me. You wonder what you were, and from that place character grows. You put yourself back there and you are shouting stop. You are telling them to stop. You are putting yourself beyond the war, beyond everyone. Beyond… I came here with that realization. Though we must fight head on and be brave and never shirk our duty, the enemy is everywhere. On every side. We must always be vigilant. I will not let us down.
Naomi: Oh. My.
Mansi: Thank you, Bollard… Thank you. Anyone else?
Declan: Justify our role? What a cheek! Who do these jokers think they are? I’d rather go down in flames. I’d rather be buried in the rubble. The dust cloud. Bury me alive first. Justify our role in this house? Some of us don’t even want to be in this house. Some of us have no idea how we even got here. Have no business here. I’ve always been a decent man. Never made trouble for anyone. Not anyone who never made trouble for me. I’ve been brought up as well as any of you. As well as him. Better. Never kicked anyone to death that’s for sure. He should be in jail. He should be locked up. This is the right place for him alright. Not me though. Same ol’, same ol’ every day. Same nonsense day in day out. It’s enough to drive you round the bend. I don’t deserve this. I followed the rules. I didn’t break any laws. No serious ones anyway. What is this? Nuremberg? Are we on trial? Are we Nazis? Have we been hunting down and executing Jews, homosexuals, the mentally disabled, gypsies, Russians, Poles, intellectuals?… Are we communists? Is this the cultural revolution? Are we supposed to believe we deserve the death penalty? Are they taking the piss? Maybe they’re bluffing. Maybe this is all a con. An attempt at mass humiliation. Is this candid camera? They must be taking the piss. It must be some kind of psychological experiment. They won’t get anything out of me… Where are the cameras? Where are they… (Looks up and around then shouts) You’ll get nothing out of me. Not a word. I won’t be humiliated here. I’ll go down fighting. (Points to Bollard) Unlike him. With his over the top, once more unto the breach, and then crumbles at the first sign of trouble. Bearing his soul, kicking people to death. Very nice. Very fucking nice. You won’t see me in the confessional. As. God. Be. My. Witness. I will not bow down to these fascists. These priests! I will not succumb. That’s my statement. That’s my declaration. (To Mansi) Are you writing it down? Are you writing it down?
Naomi: Oh, calm down, please.
Mansi. I wrote it down.
Declan: Good.
Lin: I clean. I clean the shit. I disinfect the bacteria.
That’s my role. You can write that down too.
Mansi: (Writes).
Lin: (To Mansi) Thank you. (Blows kiss).
Mansi: (Exhaustedly) Naomi?
Naomi: I, I try to keep people’s spirits up. What could be a more useful role than that? Well, I think so anyway. I don’t know. I don’t know what they think. I don’t want to fight with them. I don’t want to fight with anyone. I’ve never wanted to. Since before. Before I ever got here. It’s up to people what they do. I have no right to stop them. How can I stop them? It’s their choice, isn’t it? Live and let live. I suppose I shouldn’t be here. I don’t know where I should be. I can’t judge. There’s a bigger picture and we can never understand it. How could we understand it? Who do we think we are? It’s just the height of arrogance. Or seems so anyway. The point is to be cheerful, and that’s my role here. To be cheerful. I try, I try… I can’t force anyone. But I know it’s better for them. We’re all the same. At bottom. We’re all human, and have a story to tell, and I always listen to everyone’s story and try to understand it. What it’s like to be them. I do my best like everyone. I know it’s not much really, but what do they want from us? They didn’t say exactly what they wanted, did they… ? If they would only just say… Just explain.
Mansi: (Shakes head) I don’t know if any of this will be specific enough for them.
Lin: Hah.
Mansi: I really don’t know if… They were quite clear in the letter. I mean, taking it point by point. Explain and justify, they said, and gave three criteria as examples: leadership skills, problem solving, imaginative strategies for continuous improvement. Maybe it’s too specific, but we’re not really in a position to argue, are we? Well, I’ll do my bit. (To Naomi) Can you write this down? (Hands her the notebook)… I organize. To the best of my ability. I’m a problem solver essentially. That’s leadership skills, isn’t it? And problem solving. I put the broken pieces together of any problem I come across. I use the glue of reason. That’s it. I’ve…
Declan: (Amusedly) Broken pieces. The glue of reason…
Mansi: I’ve always been pragmatic. All my life. Even as a young girl. And it’s no different here. People are driven in so many different ways. We’re animals really.
Just another ape, and so you can’t expect too much but…
Declan: Hear that, Bollard! She says you’re an orangutan!
Mansi: Just another mammal. But with a dark gift. The gift of language that can be used for good or ill. In the pursuit of reason or its opposite. We have the best and the worst of it, I suppose. I don’t know how I got here or why any more than the rest of us, but we’ve become accustomed to each other, and that’s good enough. It’s certainly better than what’s out there. The world isn’t ready for reason. We’re not evolved enough. The things that go on out there, the, the… Before I came here I was continuously shocked. I saw how words were used. My parents supported the Arab war, for example. They thought it was perfectly reasonable. They believed. There was no convincing them. Even when it went on and on. I said to my dad, Dad, how can you support this? And he said, because it’s a necessary evil. And when I asked why, he couldn’t tell me. But he wouldn’t budge. I had lots of reasons on my side. I said, you’re supporting the slaughter of innocents. Do you know how many civilians have died already? Do you know about the cluster bombs? The depleted uranium? If they were dying outside our house, would you be out there celebrating it? Calling for more bombs to drop? Or would you at least then, with death and destruction all around you, with the bloody results right in front of you, women, children crying out in pain and agony right before your eyes, finally understand it, and call for it to end?! Don’t be ridiculous, he said. No-one’s dropping bombs outside our house. And they won’t do neither. You can be sure of that. He’d never budge, and neither would my mum. I explained to them the moral issues from just about every angle you can imagine, every ethical and moral theory I could think of, from Aristotle to Kant to Mill. It was an airtight case. All the great minds were in agreement. No justification for the thing whatsoever. But no, not a hope. You should listen to the Prime Minister, they said. He knows more about it than you. And the generals. They have all the facts. They’re not barbarians. And your philosophers aren’t going to help you much if the terrorists ever get their hands on a nuclear bomb. Are they? Are they going to save you then? If they come over here. Can you believe it? They had no intention of thinking for themselves. It was all just parroting. That’s what I realised. There was nothing between their ears but a political parrot called “propaganda” chattering on and on. No way to get anything else out of them. And they slept well alright. You sleep well, I told them. While children are blown to pieces in the middle of the night. Enjoy your fucking sleep! I told them. You’ve been asleep all your lives! I’m not going to stand here and watch you. I might as well be talking to a pair of toddlers. You’ve got no minds of your own. You can’t reason. You’re incapable! I was very honest. And I did leave. I left them. They went to their graves like that. They never changed, never… (Trails off).
Lin: And this has what to do with… ? (Holds her palms up). Naomi, you can add the names of each of the rooms I clean and the fact that I’m the only one… Well, except
Jerry. But… Anyway, I’m practically the only one…
Declan: There’s no point you saying any more. They hate you, you bloody witch! It’s your fault. We should burn you at the stake. Make a barbecue of you before we all…before we… check out.
Naomi: (Slowly) Not a barbecue, but… (excitedly) we could have a picnic!
Bollard: Now there’s an idea!
Naomi: That would keep the spirits up.
Declan: (Sarcastic) We don’t have a bloody garden.
Naomi: (Defensive) We’ll have an indoor one, an indoor picnic. Everything else will be the same. We can sit by the window.
Declan: Yes, we can sit and watch the world go by just before the whole thing collapses around us. And I suppose passers-by will look in and wonder. Who are all those people in there dying in agony as their house collapses in around them? And why are they having a picnic? So, we can add public humiliation to extreme physical pain and discomfort for our trip to the graveyard. Although I suppose we don’t need a trip. This will be our graveyard. Shouldn’t we prepare it a bit? Maybe we should do a trial run. Knock off one of us. Bury ‘em. Get into the spirit things.
Bollard: You’re a bloody rotter. And a defeatist. If it was up to you, we never would have… We’ll never… Nobody would ever… Ignore him! He’s got no character! He’s a beastly, wretched, sordid, rotter! Don’t let him drag you down with him. Ignore him! (Points) Tune him out!
Declan: At least I’m not a war criminal. You should be up in the Hague. Executing prisoners. With your boot. Don’t get up on your high horse with me.
Mansi: We might as well try to enjoy ourselves. There’s not much time. If…
Naomi: (Defiantly) Yes, we’ve written down the statements. The ball’s in their court isn’t it? We’ll have to see what they say. No point fretting in the meantime, is there?
Mansi: Well, there’s Jerry. Jerry, do you have anything to add? I’ll do my best to put it in written form. And we’ll send the bloody thing up.
Jerry: (Mimes a dance about sweeping up, cleaning and caring about his fellow housemates).
Mansi: (Mansi scribbles) Practical and moral support…
Mansi: Well, that’s it then. Let’s send it through.
Scene 4
(A picnic in the living room. Chairs have been moved. They are all sitting on the floor except Declan, who is sullenly sitting on one the seats out of the way against the wall. He’s eating a sandwich.)
Lin: (Enters the room with a letter). The response. I haven’t opened it yet. Don’t want to spoil the fun.
Bollard: I’ll read it. Where are my… (reaches for glasses).
“To whom it may concern:
With reference to our continuing communications, we are happy to inform you that we are willing to indefinitely delay the house demolishment.”
Naomi: Yes!
Bollard: “However. (Clears throat) However, this concession is conditional on your agreement for the departure from the house, by the original deadline, of one of the housemates of your choosing. Said departure must be confirmed by occurring through our communications portal. This is our final offer and is non-negotiable. We anticipate a positive response and look forward to hearing from you within 12 hours. Failure to respond will be considered refusal to cooperate.
Yours sincerely,
A Third Party.”
Naomi: Oh…
Declan: So, they want a sacrifice. Very nice. The Aztecs want their virgin. The knives are out now, aren’t they?
Are there any virgins here? Anyone?
Mansi: They’ve put us in a corner.
Bollard: Beasts, scoundrels, insects…
Naomi: They’ve given us no choice.
Lin: Shall we draw straws then?
Mansi: Wait. We need to think.
Lin. What’s to think about? They’ve made their position very clear. What did they say? Final offer, non -negotiable. Must. Can’t get much clearer than that. Let’s draw straws. I think we have some in the kitchen. (Excitedly) Ooh, I wonder who it’ll be? Not me, I’m sure. I’ve always been lucky.
Mansi: We still have time.
Lin: For what? To think about it? To dwell on it? Or maybe to consider who we need least. Maybe that’s not such a bad idea. Maybe we should reason it out. Maybe we don’t need straws…
Mansi: That’s not what I meant.
Lin: Aren’t you the rational one? Shouldn’t we reason it out?
Declan: Get the bloody straws!
Lin: Why? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid it’ll be you? That we’ll kick you out? …You might be onto something.
Declan: Bloody bitch! (Advances menacingly).
Lin: Come on, Declan. Give us a reason.
Declan: (Stops).
Naomi: We’re drawing straws. Turning against each other… No, I couldn’t stand it.
Bollard: The enemy’s out there, not in here!
Lin: (Looking at Declan) Hmph.
Bollard: We must stand together.
Lin: But we can’t. C’est. La. Vie.
Mansi: We’ll draw straws. There’s nothing else for it. You were right the first time. There’s nothing further to discuss. More attempts at negotiation are only likely to antagonize. Could make things worse. Then we could be back to square one. They might demand more. This is the best we’ll get. It’s a reasonable compromise, if I’m honest. I didn’t expect much better. I thought they’d throw something like this at us. It could have been worse. We’ll draw straws. It’s the only way.
Naomi: I can’t see any other way out of it.
Lin: I’ll get them. (Goes out to get the straws).
Declan: Well this is it then. One of us is a goner. What a way to end up. I just want to say I’ll, well, despite our differences, I’ll be sorry to see you go… Unless it’s her, that bitch (jerks thumb at door). She has it in for me, always has had. But except for her. The rest of you. Even the bloody dummy (gestures to Jerry). We’ve had our differences, but I’ll be sorry, and I’ll wish you the best. Though it won’t do any good. I will anyway. That’s all.
Bollard. It’s not right. It’s just not right. Blackguards, brownshirts.
Naomi: It can’t be… But it is. Oh, I don’t know what I’ll do if… I don’t think I could stand. Someone will have to push me through. I can’t imagine. I don’t think I can stand…
Mansi: Don’t panic. You haven’t been picked yet.
Jerry: (Shakes head. Mopes).
Lin: (Returns with some straws) Six straws. One of which is shorter than the rest (displays shortest straw). Let the games begin!
Declan: You’re not bloody doing it. Give them to Mansi.
Lin: (Shrugs and hands the straws to Mansi) Fine by me.
Mansi: (Sighs) OK. Who wants to go first?
Bollard. I’ll do it. Over the top. I’ll take it. (Takes one. It’s long. Doesn’t react).
Lin: (Walks quickly over and takes one. It’s long. Does a little dance of triumph).
Mansi: Next? Jerry?
Jerry: (Takes one. It’s long. Doesn’t react).
Mansi: Three left. Declan? Naomi?
Naomi: (Puts hands over face).
Declan: Bloody hell. (Walks over angrily. Takes one. It’s short. Throws it on the ground.) See? I knew it. (To Lin) Happy now?
Lin: (Just stares).
Naomi: (Peeks through hands.)
Declan: Are we all happy now? It’s all done. It all worked out perfectly. Couldn’t be happier, the lot of us, I’m sure. We’re saved! Hallelujah! Thank God, we’re… sorry, you’re saved. Thank God! Hallelujah… Problem. Solved… Sandwich anyone? (Picks up sandwich, sarcastically offers it around).
Act 3
Scene 1
(The Basement)
Declan: (Addresses audience) Almost time. Only a few hours now… The filthy heathen will get their blood. The guillotine is going up. The Jacobites are braying… But I’m not dead yet… And what if I don’t show up? What then? What of it? Who’d blame me for finding another way out and leaving them to their fate. They’d all have had it then… Well, we’d all… anyway… (Sighs) I’d never make it… Rock and a (taps wall)… And petty. To try to run away. Some would call it petty. Most would. And worse. Maybe murder. But haven’t they just murdered me? Exactly what moral system is at play here? Whose rules is it? The third party are calling the shots and we’re jumping around like mad puppets. There’s no rhyme or reason to any of this. No justification whatsoever… What moral universe am I in? Who is in charge here (looks up)? Ultimately? You? I don’t think so. Them (points up)?… Both? The same? Who? And who knows what they’ll ask for next? This might not be the end of it… Who cares? (Pause) Does it matter? I just got my straw early… It doesn’t matter. But… I want to be able to look back, to look back at my time here and say I’ve achieved at least one thing. Just one. And that‘s what I’ll have in mind as I go through that bloody hole. Forget the rest. They can’t deny me that. One… thing… Just one… And I’ll stay down here ‘til I think of one. (Folds arms).
Scene 2
(The Lounge)
Lin: We should have tied him up.
Naomi: How can you say that?
Lin: Well he might run off. Take his chances another way. (Points up) They don’t sound too friendly, do they?
Naomi: He wouldn’t do that! …(To Mansi) Would he?
Mansi: It doesn’t seem rational.
Lin: Hah!
Bollard: I’ve often wondered about his character…
Naomi: It’s awful. The whole thing. It’s like we’re killing him. Us. They’re making us do it.
Mansi: He took it better than I expected. He didn’t protest.
Lin: I bet he’ll make a huge mess before he goes. We should have tied him up.
Mansi: Oh, come on.
Lin: He’ll probably shit all over the place.
Naomi: Is that all you can… ?
Lin: To spite me.
Bollard: (Stares at the painting). The picture has changed. I can see it changing. It never stays the same. You can read everything from it if you look hard enough. What did you say you saw in it, Naomi? A jungle? That sounds right. I think you’re right.
Lin: It’s a green mess. You can see anything in it you like.
Mansi: It’s a wonderful work of art… I have no idea what it means.
Jerry: (Comes and looks. Mimes appreciation).
Naomi: There seem to be more eyes now. I don’t know. It’s still a jungle. Your mind can play tricks on you.
Mansi: (Looks at his watch) An hour.
Scene 3
(The attic)
Lin: Time to send out the search party.
Naomi: What do you want? You want us to drag him up here kicking and screaming.
Lin: If necessary.
Bollard: He always was a cowardly bugger. But I don’t blame him. We’re getting him to walk the plank. Swim with the sharks. He hasn’t got the constitution. He’s just not built that way.
Mansi: He’ll be here.
Naomi: It’s up to him. If he doesn’t come. We’ll just have to take our chances.
Lin: Which will be zero.
Bollard: He always lacked character, that boy.
Mansi. There’s still time.
Lin: He wants us to send someone else in. That’s his trick. He’ll have us draw straws again. Send someone else in and then show up with some rotten excuse.
Mansi: Well, we’re not going to do that, are we? There’s no bloody time. He either shows up of his own accord or we’re all done for. That’s the end of it.
Bollard: We executed them during the war. It seems cruel, but…
Naomi: We’re executing him anyway! Sending him through there. Isn’t that what we’re doing? It’s horrible. He doesn’t deserve that. I know he’s got a terrible tongue on him. But if you knew his background. What happened to him. If you knew his story…
Lin: Do you know?
Naomi: … No…
Lin: Hah.
Mansi. Ten minutes.
Bollard: We’ll take what comes.
Declan: (Enters) Well, hello, friends. Why’s everyone looking so glum? Did you think I wouldn’t show up? You didn’t, did you? Oh, you did. Well, my goodness. How could you? How could you think I’d miss my own funeral? What do you take me for? I’ve always been punctual. Especially on special occasions. Well, I’m here now. Cheer up.
Mansi: We’re all sorry…
Declan: Save it, Mansi. I know you’re sorry… Most of you.
Bollard: You showed up. You’re a man of honour, a man of your word.
Declan: There’s no place for honour here.
Naomi. Oh, don’t say that.
Declan: Don’t fancy being buried alive under a pile of rubble is all. Not today. Not in the mood. Never am in the mood to be buried alive of a Friday. Not in my character. Wasn’t built that way. I’d rather jump through there and be torn to shreds by the third party. Might as well be them as well as anyone. Bloody bastards. I’ll bet they’re drooling at the thought.
Naomi: Please, Declan.
Declan: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I upset you? God forbid. I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have my feelings hurt. Though I have a feeling I’m going to find out.
Jerry: (Runs up to Declan and hugs him).
Declan: (Surprised) Oh, Jerry. Woah, Jerry, you don’t have to…
Jerry: (Starts crying. Clings to him).
Declan: Now, come on, Jerry. Jerry… Well… I’m touched. I’m touched, Jerry. Let me see your face. Well, if that isn’t…. You know, I was in the basement just now, wracking my brains. First, I was thinking of ways to escape. Some way to get out of it all. But there isn’t. I had to finally learn that lesson, eh? But then, then I was… I was determined to think of something I’ve achieved here. Before I went. To keep that in mind. As I passed through. There. (Points at the portal) Something in and around all the mess. Something to… (sighs)
Naomi: (Upset) Oh, Declan…
Declan: So, I was down there trying to think of one thing, one positive thing I’d done to see me through that bloody hole… And I couldn’t. I must have a bloody bad memory, eh? Or… Well, I’ve been here long enough. You’d think. You’d think it wouldn’t be difficult, wouldn’t you?
Bollard: Chin up. You’ve faced it. You can hold your head up high.
Declan: I don’t want to hold my head up high though. That’s the thing. I just… want to know who I am. And… Well, you’ve got… sometimes… (Pause) I’m ready.
Bollard: It’s not right. It’s not. I should be the one. The one to take the lead. I’m the oldest. I’ve been watching the circus for long enough. There’s nothing left in it for me.
Naomi: I don’t want anyone to go. I’d rather go myself.
How much time is left? How much… ?
Mansi: Five minutes.
Declan: Well, I… it’s OK… I… I pulled the straw. It was fair and square. I’m ready.
(Pause)
Lin: We should all go through.
Mansi: What?
Lin: (Forcibly) We should all go through. We’ve been here long enough, haven’t we? This constant preparing and fretting. The making a mess, the cleaning up a mess. The shitting, the cleaning up the shit. The disinfecting, the dusting, the sweeping, the clearing, the mopping, the wiping, the polishing, the… Did I mention the shitting? Yes. And the bacteria. The bac…teria… (approaches, Declan, puts a finger up to his face as if to clear something off it). Better… The point is it’s going nowhere. What are we doing? Really? And why aren’t we doing it together? Still. As it’s always been. To hell with them and their letters, and their throwing letters, and their threats… and their words… and…
Bollard; She’s right. To hell with them!
Jerry: (Waves fist in the air).
Naomi: We’ll go together! Mansi?
Mansi: It seems… From a game theoretical point of view. The chances… The… I haven’t studied enough scenarios to… We… (Pause) Yes.
Bollard: Dammit, yes.
Declan: Well, I’m… I…
Lin: Yes, together! Don’t say a word, Declan. There’s no other way.
(They gather around Declan and face the portal.)
Bollard: One last word?
Naomi: Your poem, your poem! To see us out.
Bollard: Yes… yes, *ahem*
Forward, forward to the valley of death
Ride we, ride we, onward all,
Forward, bravely, into the eye of the foe
Ride we, onward, all we go
Let us not be dismayed at our fate
It is worse, worse to delay
Flash our sabres through the smoke
Onto the guns, we good folk
Our glory shall never, never fade!
Honour, honour, the charge we make!
(All rush towards the portal.)
Curtain.